___________________________________________________________________
The following report is a parody- which means I beg you not to send angry letters telling me how inappropriate it is. You can pick on me for a lot of things: poor diction choices, terrible grammar, lack of an interesting plot. But one thing I'm doing right is making this parody outlandish. Let me have this one, Winona.
[For those not from my hometown: We have two lakes in Winona. "The Big Lake," and "The Small Lake." The Big Lake smells
absolutely atrocious, and no one has really done anything about it.]
absolutely atrocious, and no one has really done anything about it.]
This Just In- The East Side of the Big Lake Smells
If you've ever ran, walked, roller-bladed, biked, or levitated around Winona's "Big Lake," you've noticed it- a stench that hits you when you walk by the east side. You can't go around it, you can't go over it, you just have to go through it. Well, last week, a group of angry Winonans had had enough of it, and so, they started a protest.
About 200 Beverly Hills-based, somewhat moronic mothers formed a protest group- MALL- Mothers Against Lousy Lakes. (Coincidentally the name also spells where the Californian mothers can usually be found- before they drop their kids off at full-time nannies of course.) The members of MALL painted angry messages on signs, their faces, and their babies- messages like "Clean our lake, for goodness sake," and other extremely controversial phrases.
After a few days of protests, a Winona official finally came up with the perfect solution to get rid of the nuisances: make the people believe the lake is too dangerous to walk around. "That way, everyone wins!" says official. "No one has to smell the terrible stench, and officials don't have to hire a clean up crew!"
The same Winonan official addressed the issue on August 9th on the local channel. For those of you who missed it, here's a recap.
"Please. Members of MALL, stop the protest. It's useless anyway. The "Big Lake" is much too dangerous for Winonans to be around anymore. Piranhas have infested the lake, along with er. . . electric eels! The paths around the lake have turned into quick sand. Old, Holden Caulfieldesque men are walking around the area, telling anyone who will listen how meaningless life is. The trees around the area have taken on qualities not unlike the trees from the Wizard of Oz. The trees are, in fact, throwing apples at pedestrians. These are dangerous times, my fellow citizens. This is why we must ban together now, stop complaining about the smell, and just um. . .avoid the "Big Lake." Thank you."
The next day, I swung by the "Little Lake" to ask Winonans if they took the mayor's advice to heart. I ran into a caring father of five who told me "I won't let my kids within 200 feet of that heckhole." A former member of MALL said their group has been dismembered. After sneaking in a laugh for her use of the word dismembered, I ask what's next for her, to which she replied, "Well there's still the whole 'trying to legalize marijuana.' Or maybe I'll just. . .yeah I'm just going to get a massage."
Well, I think we all learned a lesson from this one. If you want entertainment, check the local channel. You never know what's going to happen on there. Who knows. You might just learn something valuable.
Also, if you see any babies with angry messages scrawled across their foreheads in permanent marker, please return them to the former members of MALL. They seem to have misplaced their kin.
No comments:
Post a Comment