99 Lead Balloons

99 Lead Balloons

BERLIN, GERMANY- Every child born in the 80's or before is familiar with pop-star Nena's song "99 Red Balloons." The song is catchy, it has a nice beat, and half the lyrics are in part German. What more could we ask for? Well, nearly 20 years after Nena's song was on the top of the charts, Nena provides the world with something even better.

Yesterday in the center of Berlin, surrounded by thousands of pipe-smoking, dread-lock wearing college kids stood Nena. Nena was staging a protest against the Berlin Wall and all of the horrors it brings Germany. (No one thought to tell her the Berlin Wall was taken down decades ago.)

In the midst of thousands of Grateful Dead listening youngsters, Nena gave the following speech: "I am here today to protest the Berlin Wall. Why should West and Easy Germany be separated anyway? What is "the man" going to separate next? Peanut butter from jelly? Tom from Jerry? Rosie O'Donnell from donuts? It's grotesque. . .which is why I hold 99 lead balloons in my hand. By releasing these balloons into the air, we are letting go of hatred. And now, the following poem by myself, Nena:

"Berlin Wall, oh Berlin Wall, I hate you.
I wish you'd just be hit by a thousand pound kangaroo.
German Democratic Republic, you suck for putting this wall up.
I'm now going to release these lead balloons. . .yup."

Nena released the balloons, as the stoned crowd roared. Nena shed a single tear. . .and then there was an explosion. Onlookers later reported a small aircraft crashed into a main fountain in Berlin, and there were no survivors. Nena was mortified, that is, until local firefighters notified her that the prime minister of Malaguena was killed from the crash. (He is the man solely responsible for slave labor, the Mariah Carrey movie Glitter, and the swine flu.)

Scientists on the case say the lead balloons ran straight into one of the wings on the prime minister's plane which sent him and his evil crew into a tailspin. The pilot over-corrected the plane, and was then distracted by the other 98 lead balloons appearing to have settled directly in front of the plane's front window. The probabilities of this occurring are one google to one.


After Nena is asked the question "How do you feel knowing you got rid of the evilest man on the planet?" she replies "It was okay. I would say the greatest I've felt this week though was after someone told me the Berlin Wall has been torn down. I think it was my poem that did it. I guess every dog has it's day."

Right you are, German, former pop-star, iconic idiot.